Sea Jokes & Cruise Jokes

Sea Jokes & Cruise Jokes from a Bottle found at Sea

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From a sailing cruise ship, everyone onboard spots a long bearded old man a ways away who is yelling and wildly waving his curved arms like a crazy fool. “Who is that there?” one of the passengers asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, “Sorry, I never figured that out. For the past 10 years when we pass that tiny island, he seems to show off more and more.”


Passengers aboard an elegant cruise yacht were having a great party when a beautiful young girl fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her. The sailors pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the old man performed such an act of bravery. And that night a luxurious banquet was given in honor of the cruise yacht’s elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words. He said, “First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me!”


One musician who signs up with an orchestra onboard a luxurious cruise ship is having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. . . . It’s up to you, sync or swim.”


An elderly aboard a party cruise ship was not impressed by the lively jazz band basting their horns in one of the shipboard restaurants. When her waiter comes around, she asks, “Will they play anything I ask?” “Of course, my lady!” replies the waiter. “Then tell them to go play shuffleboard!”


A big beer-belly beggar was caught sneaking aboard a sumptuous Princess yacht embarking on a four-day voyage to the Bahamas. He was caught by the chief cook who pancake flipped him right off the ship telling him, “Extra Panhandlers can’t be cruisers”.


A married couple was on a sailing cruise when the weather turned stormy and the windy wallop of a wild wave washed the whisky wrenched husband overboard. Rescue teams failed, all hope was lost. Suddenly 2 weeks later the widowed wife was told her husband’s body had been found. “We hauled him up on deck,” said the leader of the search crew. “And attached to his body was an oyster containing a beautiful pearl worth about $50,000. What would you like us to do?” The now wealthy widow wondered for a moment and then said “Hand over the pearl and re-bait the trap.”


A soggy ship was slowly bute surelysinking. The only people aboard were chubby chief chef, 1st mate, 2nd mate and the captain, of course. There were only 3 more tight spots in the last narrow lifeboat.
The captain said, “Only 3 places in the lifeboat and 4 of us. We will decide who of us doesn’t get a place is by asking questions. The first one who can’t answer correctly stays behind. If all of you answer all the questions correct, I’ll stay behind.”
Everyone agreed. The captain asked the second mate, “What White Star Line ship struck an iceberg in 1912 and sunk.” The second mate answered, “The Titanic.” “You’re right, jump in the lifeboat.”
The first mates turn came next. “How many lives were lost?” The first mate answered, “1503.” “Okay, right you are, to the lifeboat.
” The skinny captain turned to the cowardly chubby chief chef and said, “Name all of them.”


A blond walks by a travel agency and spots a small sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99.99! “So she goes inside, slaps her cash on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99.99 cruise special, please.”
The agent says, “Yes, ma’am,” grabs her body, drags her backward into the back room, ties her backside unto a large bubbly inner tube. He pulls her out the back, rolls her downhill to the raging river bank. There he pushes blondie in and sends her bobbling down the rough river.
A second blond comes by minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her purse, and pays for the $99.99 cruise special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent adrift down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she catches up with the even blonder blond. They float side by side for a while before the second blond giggles and asks, “Do they serve cocktails on this cruise?” The first blond stops applying fresh lipstick and replies, “They didn’t last year.”


This is the true funny incident of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Stock Photos


Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF OUR SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call chief.


Do you know the difference between a sleeping Captain and a over worked Skipper? The skipper quickly jumps overboard with the last life preserver; the Captain with legs tied goes down with his ship.


Arthur K. of Zuckerland, Australia emailed the following sea jokes:

Why do holy priests like to build tiny ships in a bottle? “They slide easily around in whiskey bottles”
What did the bloodly faced losing boxer say? “You have more hooks than a pirates convention”

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